You're the Donor, Right?

Seriously, the receptionist at my clinic has the worst memory. She obviously can't remember that I'm the recipient. Today, she says: "You're the donor, right?" Really?!? My clinic needs to put some kind of symbol on the appointment list, D = Donor, R = Recipient. POF does suck. Not just because I can look like an egg donor.

The ultrasound tech was on a mission today. As she's probing my uterus for my baseline u/s, I can tell she's having problems finding my ovaries. I was getting very uncomfortable, so I had to speak up. I go on to tell her that I have Premature Ovarian Failure and that it will probably be difficult to find my ovaries. I also tell her that some techs can't even find my one ovary. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut, for she started to get agressive with that vagina probe. Seriously, this u/s was so uncomfortable. And, why the heck did she NEED to find an ovary that is like a speck of dust??? Ugghhhh!

Everything about POF sucks!

(Sorry to be so negative today...just writing my thoughts)

Funny...or Not So Funny

I had to laugh (not out loud, though) when I had my nurse teaching appointment today. This is the 2nd, maybe 3rd time the receptionist has asked me, "are you the donor or the recipient?" It makes me feel good to think I look as young as a donor, but it does suck too--it reminds me how unfair it is that I can't produce my own eggs at the tender age of 34. The 30's are the new 20's, right? My body didn't get that right!

Who would have thought a 34 year old whose ovaries have shrunk, who has no eggs to reproduce...this seems so wrong. It's definitely not funny. But this is my life, my journey and it is taking me down a path I never imagined. So any laugh I can get along the way, it helps.

Fears

I am excited about our next cycle...if you couldn't tell from my last post! However, I do have some fears. I thought it might help me to get over these fears by writing them down in my blog. Maybe I can even laugh at them later (which is what I'm hoping).

Fear #1: What IF our donor does not follow through correctly with our cycle's protocol (i.e. misses a dose or an appointment). I've heard this happens way more often than I'd like to hear. This could cancel or postpone a cycle. I pray our donor is responsible and reliable.

Fear #2: This might sound stupid, but I'm totally dreading the catheter after my transfer. I don't know why my clinic uses it, for I haven't heard of other clinics using them after a transfer. I understand a full bladder is VERY uncomfortable, and they don't want you to sit up for at least an hour. But, jeez, I hate catheters! (More than I dislike those darn PIO shots). From our first DE cycle, the catheter was the only thing that made me cringe with discomfort (even if it was only for a second or two).

Fear #3: Ultimately, another BFN. This is our last chance for another baby, for I'm guessing we won't be as fortunate to be given another free cycle or win the lottery.

So, how to overcome these fears!?!?

Fear #1: We have no control over it, so no use worrying about it...right? (Definitely easier said than done!)

Fear #2: I might talk to my Dr.L about this. I keep thinking two/three seconds of discomfort for a baby--Suck it up! :)

Fear #3: I think this is a reasonable fear of any woman trying to get pregnant. This is when I hate POF/POI even MORE. DE/IVF is our only option (besides adoption), and it is so expensive (along with adoption). I know another BFN will be put me in a sad place, but I'm reminded daily that I'm lucky to have my daughter--she is the bright spot in my life. Regardless of our DE cycle outcome, I'm going to try real hard to remind myself daily before and after our transfer, that another BFN is just another "bump in the road" and I know we can overcome the bumps on our life journey.

One wise woman once said:
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do. --Eleanor Roosevelt

Cycle #2 is Coming Soon!

We received our cycle calendar today! I have to admit, I'm really excited about starting another cycle. Not so nervous this time, but I'm sure that will change the day of the transfer and during the two-week wait. It's just great to be moving forward again.

If all goes as planned, our ER is May 3rd and our transfer will either be the 6th or 8th. I do hope our embryos make it to a day-5 transfer. May 8th is Mother's Day. An embryo transfer on Mother's Day seems fitting, especially with a successful transfer/implantion/ultimately, pregnancy. It would definitely be the best Mother's Day gift ever.

Another DE cycle is actually happening. Wow, I'm so excited!

It Could Be Extraordinary

That was the anwser from "The Book of Answers" by Carol Bolt. I was cleaning out my bookshelf today and came across a book I've had for at least 10 years. I thought 'what the heck, I'll ask it a question.' So, I placed my hand on the book and asked, "Will I get pregnant with my 2nd donor egg cycle?" I thought about the question and opened the book for an answer. To my surprise, the page read: It Could Be Extraordinary.

Of all answers?! The answer I received was quite fitting, though...so I thought. I hope it's a good sign. :)

Donor Selected....Here We Go Again!

We did select a donor...about two weeks ago (just haven't had time to blog). We did follow up with our clinic and did get an answer (hopefully, truthful)about the donor I wrote in my last post. As I imagined, it looked to be a scenario where the donor didn't follow up with her parents to find out the medical history of her family. We still have little to go on from her medical history--it's still nearly perfect on paper. So, why choose her anyway:

1. Not knowing her medical history in detail is a little discouraging, but I look at my own family. Cancer was never in my family medical history until my Dad was diagnosed (I was 25 at the time). There's no guarantees--hypothetically, I could have donated my eggs at 23 (if I still had eggs!)and my recipient would never had known that cancer appeared in my family medical history. You just never know.

2. Maybe there's a condition/illness in her medical history--again, there's no guarantees. It's not a sure thing that our potential child will inherit this condition. Just because I have cancer in my family, it did not stop us from trying to have our daughter. Regardless of what our child(ren) has/have, we will love them just the same.

3. When it comes down to it, we want a proven donor who we know can produce quality eggs.

I feel like I sound callous about the donor selection, but I think that's the easiest way for us to go about this part of the process. After all, we wanted an anonymous donor, where we had no connection to her. That's what works for us. I know some couples like to have a connection to their donor and I think that's wonderful (for them). :)

So, where are we now in this process? Waiting, again. Our donor has to go through her physical and lab work now. I'm hoping everything checks out great, and then we can proceed with our cycle.

Keeping our fingers crossed that we can start soon!

Donor Profiles - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

We heard from our clinic last week; they mailed us two donor profiles to review. Once again, I was little disappointed with only two profiles. Technically, it was only one new donor profile, for we saw the other profile when we went through our last cycle. AND, that donor was not a first or second choice of ours (AND she was not a proven donor).

The Good - The new donor profile we reviewed looked...ummm, perfect. Too good to be true, in my opinion. Her family medical history (which includes her parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles, & cousins) checked every health condition imaginable as 'none.' These health conditions include everything from acne/migraines to diabetes to cancer--10 pages of health conditions. WOW, impressive! I have never met anyone with a family free of health conditions. Have you?

The Bad - The donor's grandfather died at age 52. Cause of death: ? I'm okay with her grandfather dying at 52, but that's young. There has to be a health condition or even maybe an accident occurred. So, now I'm a little bothered with this new donor profile. I understand if she did not know the cause of his death, for she was probably very young or not even born when the death occurred. However, in my opinion, donors should be honest and thorough in their donor questionnaire. She could ask her parents or her living grandmother what happened to Grandpa.

The Ugly - Knowing she has a grandfather who died at 52 and seeing that her family medical history is perfect, I'm convinced that honesty is lacking in her donor profile. If she wasn't honest about her family medical history, what else on her questionnaire is not entirely true?

So, I thought I was reading into this too much and maybe her grandfather died of a heart attack. A grandfather's heart attack would not stop me from looking at her as a possible donor. When it comes down to family medical history, I just want the truth. I want my child to know what health conditions run in his/her family. This isn't for my sake, but the child's sake. I have cancer in my family...it sucks, but it didn't stop me from trying to have my own children. The fact that the donor profile lacks honesty is making me actually look away from her. Is she hiding something? Is she just trying to sound perfect, so that she can be compensated for her eggs?

What to do next? I'm going to quiz my clinic about her medical history? If the clinic can't get more answers from the donor, I might pass on this donor. All I want is honesty! Why is that so much to ask? I'm also going to ask my clinic what characteristics that we listed for donors are limiting us from other potential donors. It might be a characteristic that we are willing to overlook, so we can have a proven AND HONEST donor.