Rocky Start

DH and I disagree. While I think retrieval day was discouraging, he thinks things went well today. I have to love his optimism and I'm starting to wonder where my optimism has gone. I'm pretty sure cycle #1 has taken that away.

Cycle #2 is proving to be slightly different from our first. My lining has not disappointed on either, so that's about the only similiarity. DH had to give my first (of cycle #2) PIO injection today. I have to admit, I was a bundle of nerves with it, as if it was my first PIO injection ever. One problem with today's injection: the dosage. Can you believe there was even a discrepancy on how much PIO I should be taking? My updated calendar, which I just received a couple days ago, instructed me to take 1 ml/cc of PIO. However, I remember the RE nurse telling me to take 2cc of this progesterone because it was "compounded." She told me this when it was ordered last month. The label on the progesterone said to take 2cc. What did we do this morning? We went with the 2cc. My RE nurse got back to me in the afternoon saying that I should take 1cc and she double-checked with the pharmacy. I understand the 2cc dose I took today won't hurt, but is 1cc sufficient for the days ahead? I know I have to trust what the clinic tells me, but why is there a discrepancy at all?

To add to my anxiety, there were only 14 eggs retrieved from our donor today. It doesn't seem very high to me. Our last cycle had 16 fertilized (from 21 eggs). I know, I have to think quality over quantity, and I do realize that our last cycle was a bust. Mr. Optimistic (aka DH) says: it only takes one. I know he's right. With fewer eggs, I fear that my clinic will rush another 3-day transfer. We were really hoping for a 5-day transfer this time around.

Again, we wait...until tomorrow's fertilization news.

Full Speed Ahead

Our RE nurse called to say that our donor is triggering tomorrow, so Monday is retrieval day! It's funny how far away this day seemed to be a couple months ago, and now it's almost here!

We Are Not The Norm

That's how I feel lately. I'm am not your typical child-bearing age woman. What do I mean by this? Infertility in my circle of friends and acquaintances is virtually non-existent. In the last 3 months, I can count at least a dozen friends who have gave birth to a baby, and I've bought at least 4 baby gifts in the past two weeks. So when my daughter said to me today, "Mommy, why does everyone have babies, but we don't," I was not completely shocked by her comment. I was feeling the same way lately. It feels like everyone we know, those we see on a regular basis, are either pregnant or just had a baby. Thanks to the internet! If it wasn't for the internet, I would not have met other strong women who know infertility firsthand. Those women can understand my pain, my sadness, my loss. While at times I feel isolated with infertility, I also know that I'm not alone. We are not the norm, though. According to the CDC, about 10% of women in the U.S. have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant.

Raging Hormones

I don't feel like myself. I'm blaming it on the estrogen flowing through my body. My mind feels kind of foggy. Granted, I have been stressed lately with the many hats I wear throughout the day. Sometimes, I can't focus because I have so much going on; I don't know where to start. I see the piles of paper on my desk and feel overwhelmed. Today was a realization that my emotions are getting the best of me.

First off, I had to drive to my clinic today EARLY in the morning in the POURING rain...and in a loaner car because my tire had to be replaced on my car (STUPID nail found my tire!) I was TIRED! Amazingly, I made it to my appointment on time. Ultrasound went much better today; of course, I had a different technician, who was my favorite woman of the day. She was gentle and when I said I was uncomfortable, she stopped and actually did an external ultrasound. Then, it was onto my "vampire" lady for my bloodwork, and she made me realize today that EVERYONE has bad days. She definitely didn't bring her "A game" to work today, so that was a definite disappointment. She was upset because someone took a book or something from her shelf in her office, and I didn't realize how upset she was until she took it out on me! So, it felt like it. She left a nice one inch scratch on my arm from the needle. I didn't believe it at first, but now I understand why it burned so much during and after the draw. Geez, and she used to be my favorite "vampire" lady.

On a good note, my RE nurse said my lining was nice at 15mm. This sounded pretty high to me, but she assured me that it was great. (last cycle was 13mm) She called me later, telling me my estrogen level was at 500. 500?!? Yikes, that sounds high. (No wonder I'm a basket case!) Again, she assured me that it was fine. I'm currently taking 10mg of estrace tablets. They orginally told me to take 12mg, but I actually forgot to take the increased dose. At this point, she said 10mg is fine for me. I'm in a holding pattern now until my donor triggers. I think I might welcome the PIO injections, just to balance out all this estrogen. I've cried on almost 4 occasions today, which is definitely not me.

Now, I'm so tired that I just want to go to bed...

Myth: Can't You Just Take Fertility Drugs?

BUSTED!!! I realize not everyone who faces infertility has Premature Ovarian Failure/Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (POF/POI), but when I was diagnosed with this condition, several friends said those words to me. "Can't you take fertility drugs to have a child?" I only wish fertility drugs would solve the problem of infertility.

Whether you have POF/POI or not, fertility drugs are not going to magically give you that child you always desired. When it comes to infertility, there is no easy solution (such as popping a pill or taking an injection). Sure, some people do one round of fertility drugs and get pregnant. Unfortunately, there is a percentage of those women who also miscarry. And, some of those women have no problem getting pregnant, but they have one miscarriage after another. So, no, fertility drugs are not the "ultimate solution" in this circumstance either.

Those with POF/POI are typical diagnosed after their FSH levels are sky-high and are already experiencing menopausal symptoms. As much as it made me cry everytime I explained it, I wanted my friends to understand my condition. I'd go on to tell them: "I have POF (or POI as some call it) and I have virtually no eggs left in my ovaries. I can't take drugs to stimulate my shrunken ovaries (that are barely visible via ultrasounds). My FSH levels are as high as someone going through menopause, and as you know, menopausal women don't usually get pregnant on their own." I tried to give the best description of my condition without getting too detailed about FSH levels and how FSH is actually what is trying to stimulate your ovaries. (No offense to them, I think it would have been over their heads.)

I don't blame my friends for asking such a question. I get it, they didn't understand my diagnosis, and they themselves haven't been through infertility. They weren't educated on the topic of infertility, and I'd like to think I educated them a little on the topic. At least enough. So they hopefully don't ask that question to the next woman they encounter with infertility.

This post was written in support of National Infertility Awareness Week: National Infertility Awareness Week

A Basis Understanding of Infertility

I'm Still On This Ride!

One day I'm thinking we need to switch donors and the next day, I get the call to start taking my meds, my cycle has started. Wahoo! (I'm finally going up on this rollercoaster!) Seriously, my emotions are going crazy and I just started taking my estrace tablets today.

I was definitely surprised when I got the call from my RE nurse this afternoon, and I was more surprised when she had good news for me. Fortunately, we are only a week behind from our original calendar. My revised calendar: ER is 5/10 and ET is 5/13 or 5/15.

This past week or so has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Excitement, fear, disappointment...and still a glimmer of hope. And, we just began our cycle. I'm really glad the wait is over and we are finally moving on with this cycle. That makes me happy. :)

Thinking...Long Delay!

No word yet from my clinic, so this is looking worse each day that does by. I've been researching egg donors with IUDs and I'm finding that several agencies/clinics won't even accept an egg donor with an IUD. That has to tell you something. So, my gut is telling me that this whole (period) delay has to do with her IUD. The more I research--good ole google--the more I think we could be waiting a lot longer. From my internet search, some women did not have a period until 3 months after the removal of an IUD. YIKES! What somewhat irritates me more is that I had no clue that our donor had an IUD until we made the commitment to go with this donor. By the time I did find out about the IUD, they've already removed it from our donor for our cycle! I never would have thought to ask what type of contraception she uses. Crazy, just when I think I'm fairly educated with the in's and out's of egg donation, I learn another thing or two. Ugghhh.

I'm starting to wonder if we need go with another donor. It doesn't seem like a good thing when the egg donor does not have a regular menstrual cycle. I'm trying to be patient and keep a positive outlook. (Ha! You probably can't tell from this post.) I know it won't make things better to stress and get frustrated, so I'm trying to stay calm and know that some things happen for a reason.