The Big Decision

I want to start by saying...this post is for me.  I want to write how I'm feeling and come to grips with the decision we made.  If I offend anyone, I apologize, but we are all entitled to making our own decisions that ultimately affect our own lives.  Clearly, it wasn't an easy decision.

At the start of the new year, we received a bill from our clinic...I knew it would eventually come and I'm actually amazed it didn't come sooner. Our cycle was in May 2011 and we finally were billed a storage fee for our 6 leftover embryos.  It was $400.  Not a huge number, but enough where I felt we needed to make a decision--either we pay the fee and cycle soon or we complete the disposition form and consider our family complete.  I definitely didn't want to make this decision, especially now. I felt I wasn't ready to decide.  But maybe I wasn't ready to decide because I really didn't want to come to the conclusion that our family was complete.  It seemed so final.  Were we done building our family?

DH and I talked it over.  It wasn't a long discussion but to the point.  DH said if I wanted to try for another child, he was on board with it. But he agreed, we should cycle soon again (within 6 months)  if we were going to grow our family, for I'm turning (gulp) 37 this month.  Definitely not getting any younger. Of course, DH asked if I wanted to go through rounds of injections again.  Yes and no.  For a child, I would do it again but no, I really didn't want to put my body through it again.  (This would be my 3rd round--let's not forget about my first failed cycle).  It's different when one gets pregnant naturally.  I'm almost positive I'd have 4 or 5 kids by now if I could conceive babies naturally.

I asked DH what he wanted to do...did he want to do another cycle? Did he want another child?  His response really made me think, for at this point, I wanted another child.  I wanted 4 children.  I wanted an even amount of children. (silly I know)  These aren't his exact words, but these are the main ideas:  He's extremely happy with our three beautiful girls.  We have been blessed with healthy children.  Another child would take attention away from our 3 girls--who truly demand a lot of attention from both of us.  I prefer to focus our attention on what we have, but if you want to try for another child, I will support you and we can make it happen.

Geez, I hate when DH makes sense and brings me back down from my dreamy cloud.  I kept thinking, 'he's right--we need to focus on what we have--bring all our attention and energies to our 3 girls. Our family is complete.'  DH also said if God wishes, he will bless us with another baby on his terms. (Well, I'm pretty sure that isn't happening again--but, yes DH is right--anything is possible).

For the next couple days, I went back and forth...I hated having to make this decision.  I felt like it was MY decision, for DH was supportive either way.  This decision was more difficult (for me) than our decision to have children through an egg donor, in the first place.  Then, I kept thinking, WHAT IF's. What if, I went through a cycle and it failed.  I would be heartbroken and mad--mad that I put my body through more drugs--mad that the cycle would take attention away from my girls--and all for nothing.  Mad that I spent more money on a failed cycle--money that I could be saving towards my girls' educations.  And what if the cycle worked, I would be excited but nervous--would the pregnancy affect my girls' current needs?  I couldn't snuggle on the rocking chair with them both in my arms with a big belly.  And once the baby arrived, my attention would be shifted towards their baby sister or brother--how would my girls' feel about it?  I know these seem like silly thoughts, but they are true thoughts that came to my mind.  I know people have babies within 2 years of each other, but I wonder if they have similar thoughts.  I was looking at every angle of the situation...the analytical part of me was in full force.

(Some thoughts on POF were deleted here. I chose not include them--maybe for another post...)


In the meantime, I got another bill...had another month passed? A month of thinking, of questioning, of trying to make sense of what to do with our frozen embryos.   Why was this so difficult?  A part of me really wanted another baby, and I knew I had enough love to give to another baby.   I kept thinking of our girls.  It was becoming apparent that I wanted to focus on our 3 girls--they are my (and DH's) main priority.

We signed the disposition form. We are done having more children.  The finality of it makes me sad.  I'm sure I'll have a follow up post to this, but this was our big decision...or should I say my big decision?  In my heart, I think we made the right choice for our family and that's all that should matter.