Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Twins Look Nothing Like You

Those are the words from my 10 year old nephew! This was several months ago during our move.  These words were never forgotten.  This moment was never forgotten, but truthfully, I really wasn't ready to blog about it.  A part of me was really hurt by these words.  At the time, I was mad at my nephew for saying it.  I knew I needed time to just think it over and in a sense, get over it.  Of course, my mind was pre-occupied with our move and just being a mom to my 3 girls.

Unfortunately, I probably will never forget these words from my nephew.  (You have to love the "brutally" honest remarks of children...I know my oldest daughter has said a few things that make my jaw drop).  My nephew will probably never know how brutal those words were to me, and I'd like to leave it that way.  I'm not angry at him.  Though the remark has got me wondering.  Did my sister-in-law (who shouldn't know we used DE) state something similar around her son or did he come up with the idea on his own?  It's not like they see the twins that often...maybe once every 2 or 3 months.  Do the girls really look that different from me??? We all have blue eyes. Matilda's hair color matches mine.

I guess, I'm wondering, does our family and our friends think the same? Do they think the twins look nothing like me?  Do they talk about "it" amongst themselves?  That would bother me and I really hope they aren't engaging in such petty talk (so that's what I call it).  Who gives a SH*T who they look like?!?   They were built and nurtured inside me and I (we) love them like crazy.

Sometimes, I wish I could have blurted out to my nephew: Yes, I know they don't have my facial features.  Yes, we used an egg donor.  Yes, they are my children.  End of story.

Instead, I just said, "really, you think so?"  Wow, real profound, right?  I was stunned and hurt.  Stunned that someone would actually say that to me (whether it's the truth or not).  Hurt because it is true (they will never look like me) and I'm reminded of our painful path of infertility.  I moved on that day though because we were literally moving into our new home.  I'm glad we were busy.

Looking back, I know it's better I acted like I did.  If confronted with the same words again: "The twins look nothing like you," how will I respond?  Probably the same way, I'm guessing.  I'm not ready to divulge their conception story to everyone I know.  As of now, I'm thinking I'll wait for them to be old enough to understand, and they can make that decision on their own whether they want others to know.

Do the words still hurt? Sure they do, but I'd like to think I won't be caught off guard next time.  If someone asks about their conception, I'm perfectly happy to say: "None of your business."  If someone states something about their looks, so be it.  I'm their mother and it really doesn't matter what they look like.  After all, I really don't think I look like my biological Mother--I have a lot of my Dad's features.

On a positive note, strangers often come up to me and tell me the girls are beautiful.  Can't argue there!


  1. I'm a tall brunette, green eyes, 40 and I look nothing like my mother, and never have. My brother is a short blond blue eyed 37 y-o. In high school other kids would almost scream in disbelief when I told them we were siblings. That did hurt.
    I'm not sure what comments my mother must have gotten. But on the rare occasion someone remarks I look/sound/act like her she is very very pleased.
    This has nothing to do with IF, let alone DE. It's just that people say these things. Always have and probably always will.
    So I think you are very right in believing the conception story is the twins story and does not need to be told to anyone who is looking for similarities...
    (if you want a snarky answer, you could say that you look like your Dad, and that's what the twins inherited from you!)

    Thanks for sharing. I am bracing myself for comparison talk, pregnant as I am through DE.
    Best of luck!

  2. That is a tough one the first time it comes up or happens. Even my own husband says things at times that bother me...not about me but more "you get that from your dad" and I feel like there's never a "you get that from your mom" thing. It hurts. Not like he does it on purpose or any thought to it but it still hurts. People just make innocent and unknowingly comments...especially kids. I'm sorry that you worry about family talking about it. I understand. Even though we limited who we told sometimes I think we should have limited it even more HAHA. I know it gets easier and I know it doesn't matter a bit in the end. So many children look nothing like their parents...amen to that. And I really believe as your girls get older that you will see yourself in them more and more (even if in behaviors only)...I know I have with my own. Hope you are feeling better.

  3. Does your nephew/extend family know? If so, this is insensitive. If not, they are just clueless! We are not pregnant (yet!) but I still get worried that people just magically know we are using a donor. We are extremely private about our IF and no one knows. But I get paranoid. Like the one time egg donation came up in a conversation, I felt like everyone just KNEW. But obviously they are clueless! This is one of teh tough situations we will have to deal with so I am glad people like you blog about it. So glad you have your focus on the things that really matter!

  4. Urgh! I've had this happen to me. Inside I was seething, but I just smiled as well and said "hmph you think?" I don't understand what the fascination is with trying to decipher which physical characteristics came from whom? Who cares!
    I can totally empathize with your post.

  5. Thanks for your comments. Only my husband's parents and my mom know about our DE journey (and 3 of my close friends). If anyone else knows in the family, my MIL spilled the beans. I love her, but she is not a good keeper of secrets. The twins are almost 14 months, I really haven't had anyone else say something about them not looking like me. However, my husband's family seems to point out the characteristics that look like my husband. That doesn't really bother me. In fact, sometimes I think they get it all wrong (since I know what our donor looked like as a baby!) :) haha And Michelle, when the twins have anger issues or are being bad, I'm happy to say they get it from their Dad!

  6. Thanks for sharing your story! I have been dealing with infertility and miscarriage for three years now, but was blessed with a biological son, easy pregnancy and birth just a year prior (that's what 40 does to you)! The funny thing is, I hear time and time again that my son looks nothing like me and that he is my husband's clone! I mostly think it's rude and insensitive of everyone, but they have no idea that we are starting an ED cycle for a second child. How could a child look less like me?? (according to everyone's opinion about my son), so nothing to lose with donor eggs. Also, I have the advantage of an estranged biological family- makes the opportunity for ED some much more meaningful since my bio family (whether we looked similar or not), were not there for me in any way as parents could/should be. More power to us egg recipients- we (will) LOVE these children with all of our hearts and they are (will be) ours! Best to you and the twins!

    1. Sorry to hear that you are dealing with infertility/miscarriages. I've learned that some people don't think before they talk, and they obviously have never been in a similar situation. Wishing you much success in our ED journey.