The Big Decision

I want to start by saying...this post is for me.  I want to write how I'm feeling and come to grips with the decision we made.  If I offend anyone, I apologize, but we are all entitled to making our own decisions that ultimately affect our own lives.  Clearly, it wasn't an easy decision.

At the start of the new year, we received a bill from our clinic...I knew it would eventually come and I'm actually amazed it didn't come sooner. Our cycle was in May 2011 and we finally were billed a storage fee for our 6 leftover embryos.  It was $400.  Not a huge number, but enough where I felt we needed to make a decision--either we pay the fee and cycle soon or we complete the disposition form and consider our family complete.  I definitely didn't want to make this decision, especially now. I felt I wasn't ready to decide.  But maybe I wasn't ready to decide because I really didn't want to come to the conclusion that our family was complete.  It seemed so final.  Were we done building our family?

DH and I talked it over.  It wasn't a long discussion but to the point.  DH said if I wanted to try for another child, he was on board with it. But he agreed, we should cycle soon again (within 6 months)  if we were going to grow our family, for I'm turning (gulp) 37 this month.  Definitely not getting any younger. Of course, DH asked if I wanted to go through rounds of injections again.  Yes and no.  For a child, I would do it again but no, I really didn't want to put my body through it again.  (This would be my 3rd round--let's not forget about my first failed cycle).  It's different when one gets pregnant naturally.  I'm almost positive I'd have 4 or 5 kids by now if I could conceive babies naturally.

I asked DH what he wanted to do...did he want to do another cycle? Did he want another child?  His response really made me think, for at this point, I wanted another child.  I wanted 4 children.  I wanted an even amount of children. (silly I know)  These aren't his exact words, but these are the main ideas:  He's extremely happy with our three beautiful girls.  We have been blessed with healthy children.  Another child would take attention away from our 3 girls--who truly demand a lot of attention from both of us.  I prefer to focus our attention on what we have, but if you want to try for another child, I will support you and we can make it happen.

Geez, I hate when DH makes sense and brings me back down from my dreamy cloud.  I kept thinking, 'he's right--we need to focus on what we have--bring all our attention and energies to our 3 girls. Our family is complete.'  DH also said if God wishes, he will bless us with another baby on his terms. (Well, I'm pretty sure that isn't happening again--but, yes DH is right--anything is possible).

For the next couple days, I went back and forth...I hated having to make this decision.  I felt like it was MY decision, for DH was supportive either way.  This decision was more difficult (for me) than our decision to have children through an egg donor, in the first place.  Then, I kept thinking, WHAT IF's. What if, I went through a cycle and it failed.  I would be heartbroken and mad--mad that I put my body through more drugs--mad that the cycle would take attention away from my girls--and all for nothing.  Mad that I spent more money on a failed cycle--money that I could be saving towards my girls' educations.  And what if the cycle worked, I would be excited but nervous--would the pregnancy affect my girls' current needs?  I couldn't snuggle on the rocking chair with them both in my arms with a big belly.  And once the baby arrived, my attention would be shifted towards their baby sister or brother--how would my girls' feel about it?  I know these seem like silly thoughts, but they are true thoughts that came to my mind.  I know people have babies within 2 years of each other, but I wonder if they have similar thoughts.  I was looking at every angle of the situation...the analytical part of me was in full force.

(Some thoughts on POF were deleted here. I chose not include them--maybe for another post...)


In the meantime, I got another bill...had another month passed? A month of thinking, of questioning, of trying to make sense of what to do with our frozen embryos.   Why was this so difficult?  A part of me really wanted another baby, and I knew I had enough love to give to another baby.   I kept thinking of our girls.  It was becoming apparent that I wanted to focus on our 3 girls--they are my (and DH's) main priority.

We signed the disposition form. We are done having more children.  The finality of it makes me sad.  I'm sure I'll have a follow up post to this, but this was our big decision...or should I say my big decision?  In my heart, I think we made the right choice for our family and that's all that should matter.

2 Year Check Up

The girls had their 2 year check up on January 15th. Surprisingly, they were more fearful of stepping on the scale and getting their height measured than they were of their shot. Go figure!  Silly girls! Sera cried for a few seconds after shot. As I was holding Matilda down for her shot, I asked the nurse, "are you done yet?" She was already done and not a word or flinch from Matilda. I couldn't believe it.  Anyway, here's a little update on them:

Weight/Height: Sera is 35 inches and a solid 30 pounds, and Matilda is 36 inches and 28 pounds.  They are both in the higher percentile for height...Matilda is at 98th percentile. We've actually met 3 year olds who are shorter than her.

Eating:  They love to eat!!! More so than my almost 8 year old. Breakfast usually consists of cereal and fruit, sometimes eggs as well.  They love to snack because it means they get to eat more frequently. 

Foods They Like:  Since they love to eat, they like a lot of foods. They also aren't as picky as my almost 8 year old.  Meats, cheeses, cereals, fruits and vegetables--they eat it all! Matilda tends to enjoy more meats while Sera tends to enjoy more breads. They LOVE fruit snacks now. I have to limit them to 2 packets/day or they'll eat them like candy, which is probably what they really are...candy, not fruit.

Foods They Don't:  They still do not drink milk--haven't been much of a milk drinker since they were off the bottle.  (My oldest was the same way and still is). Matilda does not like olives; however Sera will eat them (she's the only one in the entire family). :)

Favorite Things To Do:   Dance and spin around and make themselves dizzy! :)  They play with their zoo animals, klip klop princess horses, Little People Disney princesses and their castle, and they love their kitchen and old-time diner with lots of play food.  They love to go on car rides and run errands--going into stores and having freedom to roam (which doesn't happen unless I have an extra hand). They enjoy playing with their big sister and driving her nuts as well! (haha)  Group hugs are fun, too. A new favorite thing is gymnastics--they love to jump!

Dislikes:  They go in phases--sometimes they dislike baths, other times they are ok with them.  They don't always like to share which I'm sure is difficult for any kid at this age, but I think it's more difficult when you constantly have someone the same age trying to take things away from you day in and out.   They don't like to share Mommy and Daddy sometimes, which makes my heart break sometimes.  I want to hold them both, but they are getting too big for me to hold both in my arms for extended periods of time. They don't typically like bedtime--they want to play all day long!

Their Accomplishments:  They constantly amaze me.  Matilda has dialed 911 from my phone twice, so she is no longer allowed to touch my phone.  They climb up slanted climbing walls at gymnastics.  They are doing things in their gymnastics class that they wouldn't do within the first couple weeks.   They make Mommy coffee with their play mug and coffee pot in the morning--so cute!  They love to count to three--we do that a lot through the day. Matilda is singing her ABC's with a little help and sings lullabies at night with me.  

Communication:  Sera is still a little behind in speaking...she talks, but we don't always understand her.  I might have mentioned this before, but our oldest daughter was the same way. She didn't really talk until she was 3, and she has never been developmentally slow at school. In fact, she is one of the best students in math in her class.  My oldest is never at a loss for words either.  So, we'll watch Sera, but I am hoping she'll take off with her verbal communications soon.  Matilda is the opposite of the spectrum--she's probably beyond a 2 year old vocabulary. She puts several words together and communicates quite well with us and her big sister. She often talks for Sera as well. It's quite cute when Sera calls for Matilda (which doesn't sound like her name at all) and Matilda will answer to it.

Teeth:  I think they both have about 14 teeth each. 8 on the bottom and 6 on the top.  

Sleep:  Well, sleep hasn't been the best lately.  I think I got more sleep their first year and a half.  Matilda wakes usually one to three times a night. Sometimes, with a soaked diaper, pj's and crib! I have even tried to limit her water intake at night and she still wakes up soaked.  I can't figure it out. Occasionally she will sleep through the night, and typically those nights, either Sera or my oldest daughter will wake. Seriously?!? They must talk and figure out who gets to wake the parents EVERY night. I kid you not, and if it's not the kids, it's DH's snoring. This Mommy hopes to get a solid 8 hours of sleep one day.  When Sera wakes (which isn't too often), it appears she's having a nightmare or something. She's scared with a racing heart and usually just holding her a minute will calm her down. They are fighting naps, but I put them down regardless. I try to put them down for a nap around 1pm...sometimes, they just talk and jump in their crib.  Right now, as I type this, they are talking upstairs and it's 1:39pm...fighting a nap again!

Looking forward to:  SLEEP...when will they BOTH sleep through the night again?!? 

Favorite Memories:  I love taking them to gymnastics. It's exhausting for me--Mommy and me class, but it's Mommy and two 2 year olds for me. :) I love seeing them catch onto new skills and they thoroughly love jumping on the trampoline.  Sera giggles as she jumps.  In general, I love our time together...playing, singing and laughing.  This is such a fun (and yes exhausting) age!

Newly Two Year Olds

With the New Year, we also celebrated our sweet girls' 2nd birthday.  We were happy to escape any flu/cold bug during the Christmas/holiday season (last year was awful with the twins and me down with the flu).  The girls' actual birthday was great; however, the following day, Sera must have caught a stomach bug.  For the next 5 days, my poor girl was sick to her stomach with not so lovely diarrhea.  That's my excuse for this late post. (She's was almost 100% better today...thank goodness!)

Anyway, here are my two year olds!  They were difficult as usual for photos but every now and then, they'd look at the camera--sometimes smile, sometimes not. I love these girls like crazy and am so happy to be their Mommy.