A Good Week...Surprisingly

Last weekend, DH and I took our first long weekend trip to St. Louis for a wedding...without the girls. We traveled by airplane and were gone for 2 nights. I was expecting lots of anxiety and worry on my part. However, I was alright. Of course, I missed the girls like crazy, but I have to admit it was nice eating a breakfast being able to carry on an adult conversation without interruptions. I checked in via text messages with my Mom throughout the days, which really put my mind at ease.  My Mom reported that the girls were doing fine, and I knew they were. I just liked the reassurance every couple hours. Overall, it was a great trip and we all survived...even my 69 year old Mom! (She would laugh at that comment).

With playdates, school, dance class, gymnastics class and swim lessons, I seemed to keep on schedule this week and not forget anything overly important. Ironically, I think I do better with time management, the busier I am. I'm crazy like that! Haha. 

School went great this week...I don't remember any of the girls complaining about going there. Just my oldest who said she wanted to stay home because she was going to miss me. When she got home on Monday from school, I asked if she missed me. She shrugs and says, "not really." She loves some drama on Monday morning for me.   

Today was Matilda's first swim lesson EVER! She's my shy, soft-spoken one, and I thought for sure that she would have a difficult time getting in the pool without me. She was still shy and soft-spoken with her swim instructor, but she seemed confident  and even smiled through her 30 minute lesson. I was shocked.  My little girl is becoming more independent day by day. 

And Sera had a great week of expanding her vocabulary. She's saying 3 sentence words more consistently. "Please hold me." "Pack lunch please." She rattled off several new words this week and did very well repeating words that I said to her.  Pronunciation isn't always perfect, but she's trying.  

I'm amazed at these girls everyday.  They keep life interesting and full of surprises! 

Finally...The First Day of Preschool

My oldest and Sera have been going to preschool for almost 3 weeks now.  Matilda was waiting patiently and kept asking when does she go to her school. Today was her day. She was pretty excited, but I knew when we got there she wouldn't want to leave my side. She's always been my shy, clingy one.  Luckily for her, this preschool has a parent stay the entire time for the first day. (Definitely doesn't feel like a first day to me...more like an orientation). Matilda had to stay within 3 feet of me at all times.  

It was a great morning, nonetheless. She has a great teacher and assistant. She's only going 2 times a week for 2.5 hours, which is probably good since she likes to be my sidekick the majority of the time. 

Why different schools for my twins? Definitely not my ideal situation, but I had to do what I felt was best for Sera. With her speech delay, she was able to sign up with the county preschool and receive her speech therapy while at school. It's great for her and she really excels in this type of situation. On her first day almost 3 weeks ago, it felt like just another day of school. She was eager to go--in fact, she was up early that morning. She woke me up and told me she needed to "pack" (her snack).  She's excited to be around other kids.  Ironically, she's an angel at school while she drives me bananas at home. Like I mentioned on my last post, she will push every one of my buttons daily. However, at the end of the day, she'll give me the biggest hug.

I tried to get Matilda into Sera's school, for they do take "role model" students (that's what they call them), which are basically kids that are not on an IEP. Unfortunately I was one month too late signing her up, so I was on a waiting list for her to be a "role model." #9 on the list. :(  So, that's why my twins go to different schools. They are so different and independent of each other that I don't think it bothers them.  In fact, I think they tend to play more together at home now that they don't see each other as much. Sera is in school 5 days a week for 2.5 hours.  I feel like half my morning is spent in the car driving, but as long as they are happy, I'm happy.

Matilda will have her first day of preschool next week without me, so we'll see how that goes. Most likely, she'll have some tears--which usually gets me a little emotional.

I'm Back!

Seriously, I am not good at this blogging/writing thing! I feel like everyday is just constant motion and little time for me to sit down and write. I just filed 2014 taxes if that tells you anything!

Maybe I should write less in one post and write more frequently. I mean, can I take 10-15 minutes out of my day to write a blog post?! I'm going to try it. Not everyday. At least once a week.

So, what prompted today's post, you might ask...or maybe no one is following this anymore. That's okay too. This can be for me only. :)

Proud Mommy moment.  I haven't really cried in awhile...hormones must be in check lately. However, today I let it out.

Sera, who is my more challenging daughter--always getting into trouble, climbing on counters to reach candy, taking her sister's things and running off with them (taunting "haha, haha"), helping herself to whatever she feels like, doesn't take "no" for an answer, still not potty-trained, and able to press every single one of my buttons within a day--made me cry tears of happiness today.

Long story short: she met this little girl who is about 5 (Sera is only 3.5 now) through school this past summer. This little girl is severely handicapped. I'm not sure what disability she has, but I know she is bound to a wheelchair, can't talk, and seems to lack muscular function.  Sera has talked about her on several occasions, and she tells me how she doesn't see "Kate" anymore.  Well, today I was walking Sera into the school and she saw Kate right away in the lobby.  Sera ran ahead of me and gave the biggest hug she could give to Kate. It was one of those sweet moments I will cherish forever.  Right away, tears formed in my eyes and I thought what a special little girl I have.  I have never seen another child make any contact with Kate at school, and here's my sweet girl showing love.

And, if that wasn't enough...one of the little girls in her preschool class was having a rough time at "drop off" today. What did Sera do? She hugged her.  It's nothing she thinks about; she just does it. She's the most caring 3 year old I have ever seen and I can't believe she's my daughter.

Needless to say, I balled like a baby when I got to the car.  My daughter touches my heart and she makes me so proud. While I do believe your environment, your parents, your peers shape who you become, I truly believe Sera has a little bit of extra kindness in her soul.

Premature Ovarian Failure...Still Here

(This post was written a month ago--rambling emotions put in writing--I blame it on the POF! Ha!)

Yep, I still have Premature Ovarian Failure (or should I say Primary Ovarian Insufficiency). I rather call it the first because the "Failure" part just seems more appropriate in my opinion.  My ovaries are not working...they are failing or have failed. It's been 10 years now since my diagnosis, yet I can still remember that day like yesterday.  I remember the doctor (who I haven't seen since that day). I remember the words that broke my heart. I remember thinking my life would never be the same. I remember that day as the first time I ever heard of "egg donation."

My heart was definitely hurt that day and little did I know, my life would never be the same...but in a good way. While at the time, I thought "egg donation" sounded strange...and scary in so many ways. In fact, I didn't even see it as an option until 5 years later. Crazy that it only took time and some mending of my heart to see that maybe using an egg donor was the answer.

It was the answer for us--though we didn't see it that way 10 years ago. I remember thinking that I was going to try everything in my power to conceive naturally, which ironically I made some significant lifestyle changes (diet, supplements, acupuncture) and did conceive naturally. And that was 3 months after having an FSH of 85 and estradiol levels of 0. Thankfully, we had our healthy baby girl and everything in the world was wonderful. Still had to take HRT because POF was there...but now I had a child who really took my focus away from POF.

A couple years go by, POF re-surfaced. How are we going to grow our family? Naturally conceiving was definitely not happening this time around. POF was in its same state...slight visibility of one ovary but the other was not even seen. Egg donation came up again...so did adoption. We looked into adoption, but when it came down to the 2 options, I really wanted to be pregnant again.   Finding an egg donor became our mission and when we found one, we were so happy and relieved to start the process. Unfortunately, that DE/IVF cycle was unsuccessful, and we spent our savings to make it happen.  That was it--we couldn't afford another cycle.

While I don't find myself to be extremely lucky, I do at times feel like someone is watching over me.  When the doctor met with us over our failed cycle, as he told us that he was disappointed, I never imagined that he would tell us he wanted to give us a 2nd cycle at no charge. While I thank our egg donor for our beautiful twin girls, I thank our doctor as well.  POF is definitely not in the forefront of my mind at that time.

A year goes by since our girls' birth and I start to notice my cycles changing while on my HRT. They are getting heavier and longer.  Darn you POF...I start to worry.  Why are my cycles changing?! Same HRT but different outcome. Six months go by and I decide to tell my OB/GYN. She has another doctor check into it further with an ultrasound. This doctor is clueless about POF. He's saying my lining is too thick especially since I have POF. My doctor was not too worried because I am on HRT which produces a lining similar to someone who has a normal hormone balance. She decides to perform a biopsy on my uterus. Everything checked out fine. Doctor suggests lowering my estradiol dose.  Ugghhh, really?!? That dose was making me feel good. We lower it...still heavy long periods. I give up.

Now this month (after almost 2 years of heavy long periods), I have a fairly light period! Nothing really changed in the last month, so I'm not sure why the change.  Still on HRT (1/2 estradiol dose for the last year, still on Provera), still have POF. While we are done having children, my focus is to keep me healthy for my children.  I want to do what's best for my body, but I'm not sure what's best when it comes to POF.  POF is still here. It never left...my focus just changed throughout the last 10 years.

How Do I Sum Up a Year?!

It's been far too long since I wrote a post. It makes me somewhat sad, for so much has happened in the last year. Along with no blogging, I haven't kept up with my scrapbooking.  The only documentation I have is TOO MANY photos on my computer that need to be consolidated and eventually printed.  I keep saying things will slow down, but I feel like every year gets busier and busier.

Most importantly, we are all doing great. I love being at home with the girls, but they definitely keep me on my toes.  Sera and Matilda turned the big THREE on January 2nd, and my oldest daughter turned NINE on January 29th.  We kept their birthday celebrations small. My 9 year old had a sleepover with two of her friends, and they had a blast, staying up until 4am!!! Seriously, I couldn't stay up that late even if I tried. We celebrated the twins' birthday with a birthday dinner at the their favorite restaurant Applebee's. Sera ordered chicken fingers and applesauce, and Matilda ordered mac n cheese and broccoli. Of course, cake and presents at home followed.

In February, Sera and Matilda had their 3 year check up. It was confirmed that they are growing too fast! Matilda was in the 98th percentile for height (almost 40 in tall!) and 34 lbs. Sera was shorter by an inch and a half and out weighed her sister by 2 pounds.  Sera has seemed to develop eczema this winter, but otherwise, both girls are healthy...and happy! :)

Before their 3rd birthdays, we decided to take a family vacation to Disney World in December. It was by far our favorite and best family vacation yet! We loved it so much that we want to go again in December 2015. It was a relaxing time for us. With DH always working and I'm always trying to stay on top of things at home, it was nice to not have to worry about day-to-day tasks that we normally do. I think our happiness just poured onto all the girls--I've never seen them so happy. They giggled like crazy on the Tomorrowland People Movers ride (at the Magic Kingdom), which I never would have guessed that they would enjoy it that much. Another favorite was the Honey I Shrunk the Kids playground at Hollywood Studios. They could have spent the whole day there.

Sera and Matilda started a one day a week "school" in the Fall.  There were a some cries at drop-off for the first couple weeks, but they love it now, especially Matilda. We continued with gymnastics class, but once we switched gyms, Matilda no longer wants to go.  While Sera does gymnastics class, Matilda hangs with me in the waiting room. I was hoping they would do the same activities (at least until they were in school full-time), but it looks like they are already showing their individuality and they have less dependence on each other than I thought. I think it's great, though. They are definitely their own person, so why not have different interests?

We took a vacation to Myrtle Beach in May, but we decided to drive. I could have done without the drive. Haha. The girls would probably agree. They don't do well sitting for long periods of time--can you blame them? I was going stir-crazy in the car as well! We won't do another road trip vacation until they are a few years older or maybe break up the trip, so we aren't driving 10 or more hours straight. After this vacation, I needed a vacation from my vacation! (which is probably why we took the Disney vacation later in the year)

Overall, 2014 was a good year for us. We are always staying busy and the girls make sure I am always busy!  Matilda is more independent while Sera likes to be near me or try to help me. Or if I don't give Sera all the attention she wants, she makes sure that she gains it in some way.  She can be a stinker, but she is the sweetest Mommy's girl. :)

I'd like to write more this year...that will be my goal.

Myrtle Beach - May 2014

The Big Decision

I want to start by saying...this post is for me.  I want to write how I'm feeling and come to grips with the decision we made.  If I offend anyone, I apologize, but we are all entitled to making our own decisions that ultimately affect our own lives.  Clearly, it wasn't an easy decision.

At the start of the new year, we received a bill from our clinic...I knew it would eventually come and I'm actually amazed it didn't come sooner. Our cycle was in May 2011 and we finally were billed a storage fee for our 6 leftover embryos.  It was $400.  Not a huge number, but enough where I felt we needed to make a decision--either we pay the fee and cycle soon or we complete the disposition form and consider our family complete.  I definitely didn't want to make this decision, especially now. I felt I wasn't ready to decide.  But maybe I wasn't ready to decide because I really didn't want to come to the conclusion that our family was complete.  It seemed so final.  Were we done building our family?

DH and I talked it over.  It wasn't a long discussion but to the point.  DH said if I wanted to try for another child, he was on board with it. But he agreed, we should cycle soon again (within 6 months)  if we were going to grow our family, for I'm turning (gulp) 37 this month.  Definitely not getting any younger. Of course, DH asked if I wanted to go through rounds of injections again.  Yes and no.  For a child, I would do it again but no, I really didn't want to put my body through it again.  (This would be my 3rd round--let's not forget about my first failed cycle).  It's different when one gets pregnant naturally.  I'm almost positive I'd have 4 or 5 kids by now if I could conceive babies naturally.

I asked DH what he wanted to do...did he want to do another cycle? Did he want another child?  His response really made me think, for at this point, I wanted another child.  I wanted 4 children.  I wanted an even amount of children. (silly I know)  These aren't his exact words, but these are the main ideas:  He's extremely happy with our three beautiful girls.  We have been blessed with healthy children.  Another child would take attention away from our 3 girls--who truly demand a lot of attention from both of us.  I prefer to focus our attention on what we have, but if you want to try for another child, I will support you and we can make it happen.

Geez, I hate when DH makes sense and brings me back down from my dreamy cloud.  I kept thinking, 'he's right--we need to focus on what we have--bring all our attention and energies to our 3 girls. Our family is complete.'  DH also said if God wishes, he will bless us with another baby on his terms. (Well, I'm pretty sure that isn't happening again--but, yes DH is right--anything is possible).

For the next couple days, I went back and forth...I hated having to make this decision.  I felt like it was MY decision, for DH was supportive either way.  This decision was more difficult (for me) than our decision to have children through an egg donor, in the first place.  Then, I kept thinking, WHAT IF's. What if, I went through a cycle and it failed.  I would be heartbroken and mad--mad that I put my body through more drugs--mad that the cycle would take attention away from my girls--and all for nothing.  Mad that I spent more money on a failed cycle--money that I could be saving towards my girls' educations.  And what if the cycle worked, I would be excited but nervous--would the pregnancy affect my girls' current needs?  I couldn't snuggle on the rocking chair with them both in my arms with a big belly.  And once the baby arrived, my attention would be shifted towards their baby sister or brother--how would my girls' feel about it?  I know these seem like silly thoughts, but they are true thoughts that came to my mind.  I know people have babies within 2 years of each other, but I wonder if they have similar thoughts.  I was looking at every angle of the situation...the analytical part of me was in full force.

(Some thoughts on POF were deleted here. I chose not include them--maybe for another post...)


In the meantime, I got another bill...had another month passed? A month of thinking, of questioning, of trying to make sense of what to do with our frozen embryos.   Why was this so difficult?  A part of me really wanted another baby, and I knew I had enough love to give to another baby.   I kept thinking of our girls.  It was becoming apparent that I wanted to focus on our 3 girls--they are my (and DH's) main priority.

We signed the disposition form. We are done having more children.  The finality of it makes me sad.  I'm sure I'll have a follow up post to this, but this was our big decision...or should I say my big decision?  In my heart, I think we made the right choice for our family and that's all that should matter.

2 Year Check Up

The girls had their 2 year check up on January 15th. Surprisingly, they were more fearful of stepping on the scale and getting their height measured than they were of their shot. Go figure!  Silly girls! Sera cried for a few seconds after shot. As I was holding Matilda down for her shot, I asked the nurse, "are you done yet?" She was already done and not a word or flinch from Matilda. I couldn't believe it.  Anyway, here's a little update on them:

Weight/Height: Sera is 35 inches and a solid 30 pounds, and Matilda is 36 inches and 28 pounds.  They are both in the higher percentile for height...Matilda is at 98th percentile. We've actually met 3 year olds who are shorter than her.

Eating:  They love to eat!!! More so than my almost 8 year old. Breakfast usually consists of cereal and fruit, sometimes eggs as well.  They love to snack because it means they get to eat more frequently. 

Foods They Like:  Since they love to eat, they like a lot of foods. They also aren't as picky as my almost 8 year old.  Meats, cheeses, cereals, fruits and vegetables--they eat it all! Matilda tends to enjoy more meats while Sera tends to enjoy more breads. They LOVE fruit snacks now. I have to limit them to 2 packets/day or they'll eat them like candy, which is probably what they really are...candy, not fruit.

Foods They Don't:  They still do not drink milk--haven't been much of a milk drinker since they were off the bottle.  (My oldest was the same way and still is). Matilda does not like olives; however Sera will eat them (she's the only one in the entire family). :)

Favorite Things To Do:   Dance and spin around and make themselves dizzy! :)  They play with their zoo animals, klip klop princess horses, Little People Disney princesses and their castle, and they love their kitchen and old-time diner with lots of play food.  They love to go on car rides and run errands--going into stores and having freedom to roam (which doesn't happen unless I have an extra hand). They enjoy playing with their big sister and driving her nuts as well! (haha)  Group hugs are fun, too. A new favorite thing is gymnastics--they love to jump!

Dislikes:  They go in phases--sometimes they dislike baths, other times they are ok with them.  They don't always like to share which I'm sure is difficult for any kid at this age, but I think it's more difficult when you constantly have someone the same age trying to take things away from you day in and out.   They don't like to share Mommy and Daddy sometimes, which makes my heart break sometimes.  I want to hold them both, but they are getting too big for me to hold both in my arms for extended periods of time. They don't typically like bedtime--they want to play all day long!

Their Accomplishments:  They constantly amaze me.  Matilda has dialed 911 from my phone twice, so she is no longer allowed to touch my phone.  They climb up slanted climbing walls at gymnastics.  They are doing things in their gymnastics class that they wouldn't do within the first couple weeks.   They make Mommy coffee with their play mug and coffee pot in the morning--so cute!  They love to count to three--we do that a lot through the day. Matilda is singing her ABC's with a little help and sings lullabies at night with me.  

Communication:  Sera is still a little behind in speaking...she talks, but we don't always understand her.  I might have mentioned this before, but our oldest daughter was the same way. She didn't really talk until she was 3, and she has never been developmentally slow at school. In fact, she is one of the best students in math in her class.  My oldest is never at a loss for words either.  So, we'll watch Sera, but I am hoping she'll take off with her verbal communications soon.  Matilda is the opposite of the spectrum--she's probably beyond a 2 year old vocabulary. She puts several words together and communicates quite well with us and her big sister. She often talks for Sera as well. It's quite cute when Sera calls for Matilda (which doesn't sound like her name at all) and Matilda will answer to it.

Teeth:  I think they both have about 14 teeth each. 8 on the bottom and 6 on the top.  

Sleep:  Well, sleep hasn't been the best lately.  I think I got more sleep their first year and a half.  Matilda wakes usually one to three times a night. Sometimes, with a soaked diaper, pj's and crib! I have even tried to limit her water intake at night and she still wakes up soaked.  I can't figure it out. Occasionally she will sleep through the night, and typically those nights, either Sera or my oldest daughter will wake. Seriously?!? They must talk and figure out who gets to wake the parents EVERY night. I kid you not, and if it's not the kids, it's DH's snoring. This Mommy hopes to get a solid 8 hours of sleep one day.  When Sera wakes (which isn't too often), it appears she's having a nightmare or something. She's scared with a racing heart and usually just holding her a minute will calm her down. They are fighting naps, but I put them down regardless. I try to put them down for a nap around 1pm...sometimes, they just talk and jump in their crib.  Right now, as I type this, they are talking upstairs and it's 1:39pm...fighting a nap again!

Looking forward to:  SLEEP...when will they BOTH sleep through the night again?!? 

Favorite Memories:  I love taking them to gymnastics. It's exhausting for me--Mommy and me class, but it's Mommy and two 2 year olds for me. :) I love seeing them catch onto new skills and they thoroughly love jumping on the trampoline.  Sera giggles as she jumps.  In general, I love our time together...playing, singing and laughing.  This is such a fun (and yes exhausting) age!