Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Night Before My Beta

Beta day is almost here! I planned on blogging more during the 2ww (to help make time pass more quickly). However, I've been so busy these past two weeks that I really haven't had the time to blog. This is definitely a good thing. I will admit I've had my share of emotional downs during this 2ww, mainly due to the fact that I'm almost positive this cycle was a bust. I feel just like I felt during my first DE/IVF cycle--absolutely no symptoms. :( I'm definitely more emotional this time around, but I think because I went into this 2nd cycle with a different state of mind. This cycle seemed like a long-shot with less hope!

Cycle #1 was so full of hope and everything seemed to go so smoothly. I was expecting a BFP. Cycle #2 is a different story. Knowing that cycle #1 was unsuccessful made me realize that it's not easy to get pregnant with medical assistance and even a young egg! There are so many variables in this process. Today is 12dp3dt, and I wish there was a sign, a good sign, that is. A HPT would give me the answer today, but if this cycle truly is a bust, seeing a negative today won't make things any easier. Waiting another day gives me an extra day to believe there is slim possibility of a BFP. Afterall, anything is possible.

Sadly, I'm already thinking "what next?" What do I do now that I've gotten another BFN? A part of me wants to give up. Suck it up and deal with the fact that our daughter will be an only child. The other part of me says I have 6 frozen embryos, so let's find a better clinic and use them.

Self #1: But we don't have the money to just be wasting on another failed cycle.

Self #2: Since when do I stop short of my dreams? Let's find a way to have funds.

Self #1: But the PIO injections, the heartaches...do I really want to go through the pain, physically and emotionally?

Self #2: Okay, let's look at adoption.

Self #1: That's even more expensive and can be a very long process.

Self #2: I'm not giving up. I've been pregnant once...why can't it happen again?

Self #1: I'm tired of trying so hard to make it work. When is enough, enough?

Self #2: When I have a baby in my arms.

...not sure who is going to win this battle, but I'm torn. What do we do next?


  1. Hang in there! I've heard of so many women having absolutely no symptoms and getting their BFP!! I hope tomorrow brings you all you hope for!

  2. I'm sorry you are feeling glum about it. I really hope there is a surprise for you tomorrow but sometimes your gut tells you ahead of time to prepare you I guess. I will be thinking of you of course. Good luck :)

  3. Thanks, Krista. It is encouraging that no symptoms can still = a BFP!

    Michelle, thank you. I got my surprise! :)