Pinch Me, I Must Be Dreaming

We were expecting a phone call around noon about our beta results, and it was after 1:00pm and still nothing. We saw this as a bad sign; they were probably waiting for the doctor to call and give us the bad news (like our last cycle). My husband took a long lunch today, so that he could be home when we got the news. It was decided that he would answer my cell phone when the clinic called. I was in bed when they called, feeling depressed and tired (from my early morning beta). I heard the phone ring and put the blankets over my head to make sure I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't bear to hear the bad news.

Then, my husband walks over to the bed and says, "she wants to talk to you." Really? She's not trying to make this a living hell for me, right? Entirely the opposite, she was calling to say "Congratulations, you're pregnant!" I was in shock!!! (and then, I felt like such a fool for hiding under the blankets!) My beta was 751! My husband and I both are over the moon with excitement.

Along with the excitement, we know there's still a long road ahead of us. We have another beta next week Wednesday and our first u/s is 6/15. I'll feel better when we see the heartbeat. (My husband says he'll feel better when we have our 20wk u/s). I'm trying to take one day at a time and hope for the best. It's great to know we are headed in the right direction to our dream.

Today felt like a dream. The fact that I might actually be pregnant is still sinking in. Somebody needs to pinch me! Though I'm pretty sure I felt my PIO injection today.

***********************

After the beta results, husband says he had a dream last night that we were looking at an ultrasound. Why didn't you tell me this while I was laying buried in my blankets? He says he didn't want to jinx it. :)

The Night Before My Beta

Beta day is almost here! I planned on blogging more during the 2ww (to help make time pass more quickly). However, I've been so busy these past two weeks that I really haven't had the time to blog. This is definitely a good thing. I will admit I've had my share of emotional downs during this 2ww, mainly due to the fact that I'm almost positive this cycle was a bust. I feel just like I felt during my first DE/IVF cycle--absolutely no symptoms. :( I'm definitely more emotional this time around, but I think because I went into this 2nd cycle with a different state of mind. This cycle seemed like a long-shot with less hope!

Cycle #1 was so full of hope and everything seemed to go so smoothly. I was expecting a BFP. Cycle #2 is a different story. Knowing that cycle #1 was unsuccessful made me realize that it's not easy to get pregnant with medical assistance and even a young egg! There are so many variables in this process. Today is 12dp3dt, and I wish there was a sign, a good sign, that is. A HPT would give me the answer today, but if this cycle truly is a bust, seeing a negative today won't make things any easier. Waiting another day gives me an extra day to believe there is slim possibility of a BFP. Afterall, anything is possible.

Sadly, I'm already thinking "what next?" What do I do now that I've gotten another BFN? A part of me wants to give up. Suck it up and deal with the fact that our daughter will be an only child. The other part of me says I have 6 frozen embryos, so let's find a better clinic and use them.

Self #1: But we don't have the money to just be wasting on another failed cycle.

Self #2: Since when do I stop short of my dreams? Let's find a way to have funds.

Self #1: But the PIO injections, the heartaches...do I really want to go through the pain, physically and emotionally?

Self #2: Okay, let's look at adoption.

Self #1: That's even more expensive and can be a very long process.

Self #2: I'm not giving up. I've been pregnant once...why can't it happen again?

Self #1: I'm tired of trying so hard to make it work. When is enough, enough?

Self #2: When I have a baby in my arms.

...not sure who is going to win this battle, but I'm torn. What do we do next?

My First Blog Award

Wow, I wish I was better at this blogging stuff. When I first received word that Michelle at http://howtodanceintherain.blogspot.com/ gave me my first blog award, I had no idea what to do with it. I'm definitely not very savvy when it comes to blogging. I know computers well and get along with their many functions, but when it comes to blogging; I admit, my DH has had to help me with coding lingo. Anyway, I'm going to do my best with this post. Thanks so much for the award, Michelle. You are too kind!



10 Things About Me:

1. I take A LOT of photos...I think some people find me annoying because I'm taking pictures all the time. I figure, I won't always have a great memory but at least I'll have the photos to remind me of past times.

2. I broke my leg in two places while ice skating--had 5 screws and a plate in my leg. The metal has since been taken out.

3. I have completed two triathlons. (This was a goal of mine after I broke my leg. One triathlon was the goal, but I had so much fun training for one I did another one the following year).

4. I'm very emotional. I cry easily at sappy movies. Tears well up in my eyes when I hear about bad things happening to good people.

5. I don't like camping...the bugs, the dirt, the smelly outhouses...how can one enjoy camping?!

6. I think about and miss my dad everyday and wish that my husband and daughter had the chance to know him.

7. My favorite food is pizza, especially when we make it from scratch with all my favorite toppings.

8. I love Disney World and wish I could vacation there every year.

9. My husband never ceases to amaze me. He's everything I always wanted in a husband and more. He's my rock and best friend.

10. I don't think I could love more than the love I have my daughter. Her laugh, her smile and her hugs--they can make every day a good day.

Thanks again, Michelle. I'd tag other bloggers, but I'm not sure if someone has already received the award. I feel so clueless! (Can I blame it on the hormones?!)

The Unknown

It's now 4dp3dt, so my embryos should have been implanting by now or at least started. I really don't feel anything. Yesterday, while I was eating breakfast in bed (DH has pampered me the last couple days!), I felt VERY light cramping. I'm guessing it was from my uterus and not my lower intestines--it was so light I almost wonder if I imagined it. It didn't last very long. For some reason, I felt gassy all day yesterday too. That's about it, though. My boobs aren't sore, which makes me wonder about my progesterone dosage. I just wish there was the all-tell sign that implantation is actually taking place. I'm so nervous this cycle won't work. I keep thinking how beautiful our embryos looked and if it doesn't work this time, it's not embryo quality, it's my lining. I'm over-thinking everything right now. My thick lining: was it too thick? My estrogen dosage: is it too much? My progesterone dosage: is it too little? Ahhh, this 2-week wait is tougher than the last cycle.

Here's my beautiful day 3 8-cell embryos:

The Big Day

I thought cycle #1 had gone smoothly. Yesterday's transfer went even better. Was it the valium? No--I took it and felt nothing!!! I was actually very surprised since drugs in general affect me very easily, but valium did nothing. We arrived at the clinic and my bladder was FULL. I emptied it right away since we had another hour until our transfer. I drank some water but made sure not to fill my bladder to capacity. Dr. L greeted us right at 1:00pm and said we were transferring 2 great-looking 8-cell embryos. And, we were off to the sterile transfer room. Dr. L did a test with the catheter which was on the screen for one second literally. He assured us the transfer would be easy, and he wasn't kidding. We got to see our lovely embryos on the screen, placed in the catheter and then inserted into my uterus. The whole process felt like 2 minutes! As my DH put it: We had the B Team last cycle; today we had the A Team. Before I knew it, I was back in my recovery room, laying down for an hour. Dr. L said today's embryos were great-looking, better than our first cycle's embryos, which was great news. They are freezing the six remaining embryos! Wahoo, I have frosties! Our clinic changed their policy (since our last cycle)about post-transfer and lets you get up 15 - 20 minutes after your transfer. However, Dr. L wanted me to lay down for an entire hour before getting up to empty my bladder. That hour went pretty fast and then we were ready to leave with two precious embryos inside me. I'm officially pregnant until proven otherwise. :)

Transfer Day is...

TOMORROW! The lab called this morning, saying that all EIGHT of our embryos are dividing well and looking good. (The tone of this statement was positive compared to our day 2 news with cycle #1). These news made me very happy. Dr. L is being conservative, though and wants the 3-day transfer. I know 3-day transfers work, and there are some who believe embryos do better in a natural environment instead of expanding in a petri dish.

Thanks to Valery for this link: http://www.freakonomics.com/2011/05/11/ivfs-magic-number/
I'll take this posting as a good sign. It was posted today, just in time to lift my spirits! Thank you again, Valery.

Wow, tomorrow is the day! Hoping my embryos love my thick lining and feel the need to settle for the next 9 months. :)

Will It Be A 3-Day or 5-Day Transfer?

That is the question. The lab called early this morning to report that 8 eggs had fertilized normally, adding that my DH's specimen was excellent. Eight eggs did not shock me, for I know a 100% fertilization rate rarely happens. I asked whether it would be a 3-day or 5-day transfer, and at this time, they weren't sure. They want to talk to Dr. L about it. That's how it stands for now. I'll be anxiously awaiting my morning phone call from the lab.

Getting nervous about transfer day now...

Rocky Start

DH and I disagree. While I think retrieval day was discouraging, he thinks things went well today. I have to love his optimism and I'm starting to wonder where my optimism has gone. I'm pretty sure cycle #1 has taken that away.

Cycle #2 is proving to be slightly different from our first. My lining has not disappointed on either, so that's about the only similiarity. DH had to give my first (of cycle #2) PIO injection today. I have to admit, I was a bundle of nerves with it, as if it was my first PIO injection ever. One problem with today's injection: the dosage. Can you believe there was even a discrepancy on how much PIO I should be taking? My updated calendar, which I just received a couple days ago, instructed me to take 1 ml/cc of PIO. However, I remember the RE nurse telling me to take 2cc of this progesterone because it was "compounded." She told me this when it was ordered last month. The label on the progesterone said to take 2cc. What did we do this morning? We went with the 2cc. My RE nurse got back to me in the afternoon saying that I should take 1cc and she double-checked with the pharmacy. I understand the 2cc dose I took today won't hurt, but is 1cc sufficient for the days ahead? I know I have to trust what the clinic tells me, but why is there a discrepancy at all?

To add to my anxiety, there were only 14 eggs retrieved from our donor today. It doesn't seem very high to me. Our last cycle had 16 fertilized (from 21 eggs). I know, I have to think quality over quantity, and I do realize that our last cycle was a bust. Mr. Optimistic (aka DH) says: it only takes one. I know he's right. With fewer eggs, I fear that my clinic will rush another 3-day transfer. We were really hoping for a 5-day transfer this time around.

Again, we wait...until tomorrow's fertilization news.

Full Speed Ahead

Our RE nurse called to say that our donor is triggering tomorrow, so Monday is retrieval day! It's funny how far away this day seemed to be a couple months ago, and now it's almost here!

We Are Not The Norm

That's how I feel lately. I'm am not your typical child-bearing age woman. What do I mean by this? Infertility in my circle of friends and acquaintances is virtually non-existent. In the last 3 months, I can count at least a dozen friends who have gave birth to a baby, and I've bought at least 4 baby gifts in the past two weeks. So when my daughter said to me today, "Mommy, why does everyone have babies, but we don't," I was not completely shocked by her comment. I was feeling the same way lately. It feels like everyone we know, those we see on a regular basis, are either pregnant or just had a baby. Thanks to the internet! If it wasn't for the internet, I would not have met other strong women who know infertility firsthand. Those women can understand my pain, my sadness, my loss. While at times I feel isolated with infertility, I also know that I'm not alone. We are not the norm, though. According to the CDC, about 10% of women in the U.S. have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant.

Raging Hormones

I don't feel like myself. I'm blaming it on the estrogen flowing through my body. My mind feels kind of foggy. Granted, I have been stressed lately with the many hats I wear throughout the day. Sometimes, I can't focus because I have so much going on; I don't know where to start. I see the piles of paper on my desk and feel overwhelmed. Today was a realization that my emotions are getting the best of me.

First off, I had to drive to my clinic today EARLY in the morning in the POURING rain...and in a loaner car because my tire had to be replaced on my car (STUPID nail found my tire!) I was TIRED! Amazingly, I made it to my appointment on time. Ultrasound went much better today; of course, I had a different technician, who was my favorite woman of the day. She was gentle and when I said I was uncomfortable, she stopped and actually did an external ultrasound. Then, it was onto my "vampire" lady for my bloodwork, and she made me realize today that EVERYONE has bad days. She definitely didn't bring her "A game" to work today, so that was a definite disappointment. She was upset because someone took a book or something from her shelf in her office, and I didn't realize how upset she was until she took it out on me! So, it felt like it. She left a nice one inch scratch on my arm from the needle. I didn't believe it at first, but now I understand why it burned so much during and after the draw. Geez, and she used to be my favorite "vampire" lady.

On a good note, my RE nurse said my lining was nice at 15mm. This sounded pretty high to me, but she assured me that it was great. (last cycle was 13mm) She called me later, telling me my estrogen level was at 500. 500?!? Yikes, that sounds high. (No wonder I'm a basket case!) Again, she assured me that it was fine. I'm currently taking 10mg of estrace tablets. They orginally told me to take 12mg, but I actually forgot to take the increased dose. At this point, she said 10mg is fine for me. I'm in a holding pattern now until my donor triggers. I think I might welcome the PIO injections, just to balance out all this estrogen. I've cried on almost 4 occasions today, which is definitely not me.

Now, I'm so tired that I just want to go to bed...