I'm Still On This Ride!

One day I'm thinking we need to switch donors and the next day, I get the call to start taking my meds, my cycle has started. Wahoo! (I'm finally going up on this rollercoaster!) Seriously, my emotions are going crazy and I just started taking my estrace tablets today.

I was definitely surprised when I got the call from my RE nurse this afternoon, and I was more surprised when she had good news for me. Fortunately, we are only a week behind from our original calendar. My revised calendar: ER is 5/10 and ET is 5/13 or 5/15.

This past week or so has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Excitement, fear, disappointment...and still a glimmer of hope. And, we just began our cycle. I'm really glad the wait is over and we are finally moving on with this cycle. That makes me happy. :)

Thinking...Long Delay!

No word yet from my clinic, so this is looking worse each day that does by. I've been researching egg donors with IUDs and I'm finding that several agencies/clinics won't even accept an egg donor with an IUD. That has to tell you something. So, my gut is telling me that this whole (period) delay has to do with her IUD. The more I research--good ole google--the more I think we could be waiting a lot longer. From my internet search, some women did not have a period until 3 months after the removal of an IUD. YIKES! What somewhat irritates me more is that I had no clue that our donor had an IUD until we made the commitment to go with this donor. By the time I did find out about the IUD, they've already removed it from our donor for our cycle! I never would have thought to ask what type of contraception she uses. Crazy, just when I think I'm fairly educated with the in's and out's of egg donation, I learn another thing or two. Ugghhh.

I'm starting to wonder if we need go with another donor. It doesn't seem like a good thing when the egg donor does not have a regular menstrual cycle. I'm trying to be patient and keep a positive outlook. (Ha! You probably can't tell from this post.) I know it won't make things better to stress and get frustrated, so I'm trying to stay calm and know that some things happen for a reason.

Still Delayed

Got a call from my clinic today and nothing new: Donor still hasn't started her period. Our calendar is no longer accurate. So, I have no idea when our retrieval will occur. I don't know what to think. We can't do anything, but WAIT (my favorite thing to do--can you sense my sarcasm?) until she starts her period.

Hope we hear some good news soon...like tomorrow!

Slight Delay

Hopefully, that's all it is! My donor was supposed to go in for her baseline u/s and labs yesterday, but that didn't happen. My RE nurse said she hadn't started her period yet. My first reaction: she's pregnant. The nurse said not to worry and that she should be getting her period any day now. I hope she's right.

I'm hoping this delay is only a 3-day delay and I can start my estrogen meds on Monday. And, I REALLY hope this doesn't move our transfer date too much (which is scheduled on 5/6 or 5/8), or it will definitely interfere with our work schedules.

Now, I'm getting nervous!

You're the Donor, Right?

Seriously, the receptionist at my clinic has the worst memory. She obviously can't remember that I'm the recipient. Today, she says: "You're the donor, right?" Really?!? My clinic needs to put some kind of symbol on the appointment list, D = Donor, R = Recipient. POF does suck. Not just because I can look like an egg donor.

The ultrasound tech was on a mission today. As she's probing my uterus for my baseline u/s, I can tell she's having problems finding my ovaries. I was getting very uncomfortable, so I had to speak up. I go on to tell her that I have Premature Ovarian Failure and that it will probably be difficult to find my ovaries. I also tell her that some techs can't even find my one ovary. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut, for she started to get agressive with that vagina probe. Seriously, this u/s was so uncomfortable. And, why the heck did she NEED to find an ovary that is like a speck of dust??? Ugghhhh!

Everything about POF sucks!

(Sorry to be so negative today...just writing my thoughts)

Funny...or Not So Funny

I had to laugh (not out loud, though) when I had my nurse teaching appointment today. This is the 2nd, maybe 3rd time the receptionist has asked me, "are you the donor or the recipient?" It makes me feel good to think I look as young as a donor, but it does suck too--it reminds me how unfair it is that I can't produce my own eggs at the tender age of 34. The 30's are the new 20's, right? My body didn't get that right!

Who would have thought a 34 year old whose ovaries have shrunk, who has no eggs to reproduce...this seems so wrong. It's definitely not funny. But this is my life, my journey and it is taking me down a path I never imagined. So any laugh I can get along the way, it helps.

Fears

I am excited about our next cycle...if you couldn't tell from my last post! However, I do have some fears. I thought it might help me to get over these fears by writing them down in my blog. Maybe I can even laugh at them later (which is what I'm hoping).

Fear #1: What IF our donor does not follow through correctly with our cycle's protocol (i.e. misses a dose or an appointment). I've heard this happens way more often than I'd like to hear. This could cancel or postpone a cycle. I pray our donor is responsible and reliable.

Fear #2: This might sound stupid, but I'm totally dreading the catheter after my transfer. I don't know why my clinic uses it, for I haven't heard of other clinics using them after a transfer. I understand a full bladder is VERY uncomfortable, and they don't want you to sit up for at least an hour. But, jeez, I hate catheters! (More than I dislike those darn PIO shots). From our first DE cycle, the catheter was the only thing that made me cringe with discomfort (even if it was only for a second or two).

Fear #3: Ultimately, another BFN. This is our last chance for another baby, for I'm guessing we won't be as fortunate to be given another free cycle or win the lottery.

So, how to overcome these fears!?!?

Fear #1: We have no control over it, so no use worrying about it...right? (Definitely easier said than done!)

Fear #2: I might talk to my Dr.L about this. I keep thinking two/three seconds of discomfort for a baby--Suck it up! :)

Fear #3: I think this is a reasonable fear of any woman trying to get pregnant. This is when I hate POF/POI even MORE. DE/IVF is our only option (besides adoption), and it is so expensive (along with adoption). I know another BFN will be put me in a sad place, but I'm reminded daily that I'm lucky to have my daughter--she is the bright spot in my life. Regardless of our DE cycle outcome, I'm going to try real hard to remind myself daily before and after our transfer, that another BFN is just another "bump in the road" and I know we can overcome the bumps on our life journey.

One wise woman once said:
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do. --Eleanor Roosevelt