A Tough Day

DH and I decided last night that I would do a HPT this morning. It was 12dp3dt, so most would agree that it's adequate time if a pregnancy should be detected. The HPT was negative. I guess, I can't say I was surprised. Last night I told DH that I was optimistically cautious and pestimically hopeful. Does that even make sense? We agreed, there was probably a 50/50 chance since our clinic's success rate with donor eggs is 50% (not the greatest percentage, seeing that some clinics boast a 80% success rate). So, I was fine for the video camera (yep, DH has been documenting this journey) and then, DH gave me my PIO injection. As I was warming the injection site, I was overcome with crazy emotions. I was balling my eyes out! I was sad, disappointed, shocked and even a little angry. I was a wreck. I was sad that I'll never hold another newborn of my own; I was disappointed after all meds, injections and high hopes; I was shocked that the outcome was not what I wished for, and I was angry that I didn't go to one of the best clinics.

Today was my daughter's picture day at preschool, and DH was doing her hair (while I tried to compose myself). After a few good tears, I asked her if I could do her hair. She gave me a frown and said, "but you're sad Mommy." And I realized this whole journey wasn't just about me. I was sad for her, too. Obviously, she didn't know why Mommy was crying today (we did not tell her about the transfer). I was sad that she would never have the sister or brother that she wanted so bad. I felt like a failure to her. I couldn't provide her with something that would bring her love, friendship, and someone to share life's moments with. Ultimately, I didn't want her to be an only child like me. (As my DH would put it, "but you turned out fine.") Yes, only children turn out normal without siblings. But I see bonds between other siblings (young and old), and I have to say, an only child does miss out on such a connection. Friends are great, but I guarantee you my best friends communicate with their siblings more than they communicate with me. I get it, it's a bond they share...they are family. I miss that, and I don't want my daughter growing up feeling the same way...or realizing later in life that bond she misses. I'm disappointed for her, too. That's all.

There were a lot of tears today. It was a day of grieving. It will take some time. What next? Where do I go from here? I have my beta tomorrow morning for the official outcome, and I'll take my one last PIO injection prior to that (which seems silly at this point). I'll try to compose myself better tomorrow and hope each day gets easier. For now, another cycle seems out of the question (no money)--a lot of money for a lot of grief. Sad to think. In honesty, it was a lot money for a possible dream. Unfortunately, this dream did not come true. :(