The Big Decision

I want to start by saying...this post is for me.  I want to write how I'm feeling and come to grips with the decision we made.  If I offend anyone, I apologize, but we are all entitled to making our own decisions that ultimately affect our own lives.  Clearly, it wasn't an easy decision.

At the start of the new year, we received a bill from our clinic...I knew it would eventually come and I'm actually amazed it didn't come sooner. Our cycle was in May 2011 and we finally were billed a storage fee for our 6 leftover embryos.  It was $400.  Not a huge number, but enough where I felt we needed to make a decision--either we pay the fee and cycle soon or we complete the disposition form and consider our family complete.  I definitely didn't want to make this decision, especially now. I felt I wasn't ready to decide.  But maybe I wasn't ready to decide because I really didn't want to come to the conclusion that our family was complete.  It seemed so final.  Were we done building our family?

DH and I talked it over.  It wasn't a long discussion but to the point.  DH said if I wanted to try for another child, he was on board with it. But he agreed, we should cycle soon again (within 6 months)  if we were going to grow our family, for I'm turning (gulp) 37 this month.  Definitely not getting any younger. Of course, DH asked if I wanted to go through rounds of injections again.  Yes and no.  For a child, I would do it again but no, I really didn't want to put my body through it again.  (This would be my 3rd round--let's not forget about my first failed cycle).  It's different when one gets pregnant naturally.  I'm almost positive I'd have 4 or 5 kids by now if I could conceive babies naturally.

I asked DH what he wanted to do...did he want to do another cycle? Did he want another child?  His response really made me think, for at this point, I wanted another child.  I wanted 4 children.  I wanted an even amount of children. (silly I know)  These aren't his exact words, but these are the main ideas:  He's extremely happy with our three beautiful girls.  We have been blessed with healthy children.  Another child would take attention away from our 3 girls--who truly demand a lot of attention from both of us.  I prefer to focus our attention on what we have, but if you want to try for another child, I will support you and we can make it happen.

Geez, I hate when DH makes sense and brings me back down from my dreamy cloud.  I kept thinking, 'he's right--we need to focus on what we have--bring all our attention and energies to our 3 girls. Our family is complete.'  DH also said if God wishes, he will bless us with another baby on his terms. (Well, I'm pretty sure that isn't happening again--but, yes DH is right--anything is possible).

For the next couple days, I went back and forth...I hated having to make this decision.  I felt like it was MY decision, for DH was supportive either way.  This decision was more difficult (for me) than our decision to have children through an egg donor, in the first place.  Then, I kept thinking, WHAT IF's. What if, I went through a cycle and it failed.  I would be heartbroken and mad--mad that I put my body through more drugs--mad that the cycle would take attention away from my girls--and all for nothing.  Mad that I spent more money on a failed cycle--money that I could be saving towards my girls' educations.  And what if the cycle worked, I would be excited but nervous--would the pregnancy affect my girls' current needs?  I couldn't snuggle on the rocking chair with them both in my arms with a big belly.  And once the baby arrived, my attention would be shifted towards their baby sister or brother--how would my girls' feel about it?  I know these seem like silly thoughts, but they are true thoughts that came to my mind.  I know people have babies within 2 years of each other, but I wonder if they have similar thoughts.  I was looking at every angle of the situation...the analytical part of me was in full force.

(Some thoughts on POF were deleted here. I chose not include them--maybe for another post...)


In the meantime, I got another bill...had another month passed? A month of thinking, of questioning, of trying to make sense of what to do with our frozen embryos.   Why was this so difficult?  A part of me really wanted another baby, and I knew I had enough love to give to another baby.   I kept thinking of our girls.  It was becoming apparent that I wanted to focus on our 3 girls--they are my (and DH's) main priority.

We signed the disposition form. We are done having more children.  The finality of it makes me sad.  I'm sure I'll have a follow up post to this, but this was our big decision...or should I say my big decision?  In my heart, I think we made the right choice for our family and that's all that should matter.

2 Year Check Up

The girls had their 2 year check up on January 15th. Surprisingly, they were more fearful of stepping on the scale and getting their height measured than they were of their shot. Go figure!  Silly girls! Sera cried for a few seconds after shot. As I was holding Matilda down for her shot, I asked the nurse, "are you done yet?" She was already done and not a word or flinch from Matilda. I couldn't believe it.  Anyway, here's a little update on them:

Weight/Height: Sera is 35 inches and a solid 30 pounds, and Matilda is 36 inches and 28 pounds.  They are both in the higher percentile for height...Matilda is at 98th percentile. We've actually met 3 year olds who are shorter than her.

Eating:  They love to eat!!! More so than my almost 8 year old. Breakfast usually consists of cereal and fruit, sometimes eggs as well.  They love to snack because it means they get to eat more frequently. 

Foods They Like:  Since they love to eat, they like a lot of foods. They also aren't as picky as my almost 8 year old.  Meats, cheeses, cereals, fruits and vegetables--they eat it all! Matilda tends to enjoy more meats while Sera tends to enjoy more breads. They LOVE fruit snacks now. I have to limit them to 2 packets/day or they'll eat them like candy, which is probably what they really are...candy, not fruit.

Foods They Don't:  They still do not drink milk--haven't been much of a milk drinker since they were off the bottle.  (My oldest was the same way and still is). Matilda does not like olives; however Sera will eat them (she's the only one in the entire family). :)

Favorite Things To Do:   Dance and spin around and make themselves dizzy! :)  They play with their zoo animals, klip klop princess horses, Little People Disney princesses and their castle, and they love their kitchen and old-time diner with lots of play food.  They love to go on car rides and run errands--going into stores and having freedom to roam (which doesn't happen unless I have an extra hand). They enjoy playing with their big sister and driving her nuts as well! (haha)  Group hugs are fun, too. A new favorite thing is gymnastics--they love to jump!

Dislikes:  They go in phases--sometimes they dislike baths, other times they are ok with them.  They don't always like to share which I'm sure is difficult for any kid at this age, but I think it's more difficult when you constantly have someone the same age trying to take things away from you day in and out.   They don't like to share Mommy and Daddy sometimes, which makes my heart break sometimes.  I want to hold them both, but they are getting too big for me to hold both in my arms for extended periods of time. They don't typically like bedtime--they want to play all day long!

Their Accomplishments:  They constantly amaze me.  Matilda has dialed 911 from my phone twice, so she is no longer allowed to touch my phone.  They climb up slanted climbing walls at gymnastics.  They are doing things in their gymnastics class that they wouldn't do within the first couple weeks.   They make Mommy coffee with their play mug and coffee pot in the morning--so cute!  They love to count to three--we do that a lot through the day. Matilda is singing her ABC's with a little help and sings lullabies at night with me.  

Communication:  Sera is still a little behind in speaking...she talks, but we don't always understand her.  I might have mentioned this before, but our oldest daughter was the same way. She didn't really talk until she was 3, and she has never been developmentally slow at school. In fact, she is one of the best students in math in her class.  My oldest is never at a loss for words either.  So, we'll watch Sera, but I am hoping she'll take off with her verbal communications soon.  Matilda is the opposite of the spectrum--she's probably beyond a 2 year old vocabulary. She puts several words together and communicates quite well with us and her big sister. She often talks for Sera as well. It's quite cute when Sera calls for Matilda (which doesn't sound like her name at all) and Matilda will answer to it.

Teeth:  I think they both have about 14 teeth each. 8 on the bottom and 6 on the top.  

Sleep:  Well, sleep hasn't been the best lately.  I think I got more sleep their first year and a half.  Matilda wakes usually one to three times a night. Sometimes, with a soaked diaper, pj's and crib! I have even tried to limit her water intake at night and she still wakes up soaked.  I can't figure it out. Occasionally she will sleep through the night, and typically those nights, either Sera or my oldest daughter will wake. Seriously?!? They must talk and figure out who gets to wake the parents EVERY night. I kid you not, and if it's not the kids, it's DH's snoring. This Mommy hopes to get a solid 8 hours of sleep one day.  When Sera wakes (which isn't too often), it appears she's having a nightmare or something. She's scared with a racing heart and usually just holding her a minute will calm her down. They are fighting naps, but I put them down regardless. I try to put them down for a nap around 1pm...sometimes, they just talk and jump in their crib.  Right now, as I type this, they are talking upstairs and it's 1:39pm...fighting a nap again!

Looking forward to:  SLEEP...when will they BOTH sleep through the night again?!? 

Favorite Memories:  I love taking them to gymnastics. It's exhausting for me--Mommy and me class, but it's Mommy and two 2 year olds for me. :) I love seeing them catch onto new skills and they thoroughly love jumping on the trampoline.  Sera giggles as she jumps.  In general, I love our time together...playing, singing and laughing.  This is such a fun (and yes exhausting) age!

Newly Two Year Olds

With the New Year, we also celebrated our sweet girls' 2nd birthday.  We were happy to escape any flu/cold bug during the Christmas/holiday season (last year was awful with the twins and me down with the flu).  The girls' actual birthday was great; however, the following day, Sera must have caught a stomach bug.  For the next 5 days, my poor girl was sick to her stomach with not so lovely diarrhea.  That's my excuse for this late post. (She's was almost 100% better today...thank goodness!)

Anyway, here are my two year olds!  They were difficult as usual for photos but every now and then, they'd look at the camera--sometimes smile, sometimes not. I love these girls like crazy and am so happy to be their Mommy.

Are we done yet?

This is a topic of recent conversations between DH and me.  Are we done trying to expand our family? We have 3 healthy, beautiful girls who we love like crazy.  Our family feels complete, I think.

If we didn't have SIX frozen embryos from our DE cycle, I'd say we were done.  We definitely don't want to go through another fresh DE cycle.  For starters, the cost is more than we can handle.  But we have six embryos left and the cost of a frozen embryo cycle is significantly less expensive.  Do we try for another sibling and even out our "odd-number" family?  If the embryos don't make the thaw, at least we could say we tried and we do get refunded the cycle costs (minus $150).

Infertility sucks even when you have children. Let's say I didn't have Premature Ovarian Insufficiency/Failure.  Would we try for another baby? Both DH and I agree on this--of course, we would try for one more. First, it's fun trying to have another (when you know you can actually conceive another).  Second, there's minimal costs (no medications needed, no cycle fee, etc).  Third, if you're fertile, you don't have to be disappointed with the time, money and heartache that an IVF cycle can put you through...to only have no baby in the end.  :( So, yes, infertility sucks even when you have children.  Going through another cycle is a reminder that my body is broken in the embryo-making department.

So, the question is: do we go through a frozen embryo cycle?  Especially knowing that the success rate isn't as high as a fresh cycle.  The thought of injections and pumping my body of estrogen again is not very appealing.

I don't know the answer right now.  I'm sure DH would say let's be happy with what we have now...which I'm sure many would agree.  But what about our remaining embryos???  Here's a chance at another child that if I was not infertile we would definitely want.

I'm looking for a sign...something that jumps out at me and gives me the direction I need on this decision.  I'm feeling lost.  Please don't get me wrong, I love my family as it is, but if there's a chance for another, do you leap forward and embrace the opportunity? Or do you donate the embryos to science (which is our decision if we don't use them) and hopefully be at peace with the decision you made?

18 Month Update

The girls just had their 18 month check up today and they did awesome.  No shots today, so I'm sure they were happy about that.  I was definitely happy about it...no screaming or crying.  My older daughter came with us, which was a first.  She kept wanting to tell the doctor facts about the girls. (i.e. Matilda likes to give me hugs, Sera doesn't suck her fingers, she sucks her THUMB, etc.)  Just a little background on my 7 year old: she didn't talk much when she was young. I swear she only said a few words at 2 and I did get a little worried when she was 3 and I really couldn't understand her.  At 7, this girl can TALK.  Sometimes, I can't get her to stop talking and her vocabulary is amazing.  Who would have thought?!?  Ok, back to the twins...one thing is for sure: THEY ARE GROWING!

Weight/Height: Sera is 32.5 inches, 25 lbs even and Matilda is 34.5 inches, 25 lbs even.  This is a first where they are actually the same weight exactly. I think Sera's head was half an inch larger.

Eating:  We been switching meal time around a bit due to their naps.  They eat breakfast in the morning and then have an early lunch/snack at 11am.  They will eat again after their nap and have dinner around 5/5:30pm.  They always seem to have appetites. If they see us eat, they typically have to eat.  They also want to eat what we are eating.

Foods They Like:  FRUIT (peaches, raspberries, strawberries, grapes, blueberries) is their favorite.  However, cantaloupe and melon didn't go over well.  Eggo frozen blueberry waffles--sometimes they'll even it them frozen.  Cinnamon graham crackers, oatmeal squares cereal, sausage, goldfish crackers, green beans, mac n cheese--to name a few well-liked foods.

Foods They Don't:  Lately, they haven't been liking chicken.  They are okay with breaded chicken, but  they don't seem to like chicken that is grilled or marinated.  They will try it and have a couple pieces, but they won't finish what's on their plates.

Favorite Things To Do:   Two months ago, I bought a used Little Tikes climber that was in excellent condition and they've been playing on it daily.  They climb up the slide part.  Sera goes head first down the slide and Matilda sits up with feet first down the slide.  They like to play with electronics (i.e. phones, blu-ray player, sister's ipod, tv remote controllers).  Music is still a favorite.  Matilda often sings with me at night.  They like to open kitchen drawers, slam drawers, move chairs across rooms, climb kitchen chairs to get on the table, and pull at anything in their reach.  Typical toddler right?!

Dislikes:  They dislike being hungry and tired.  They will probably never outgrow that (I know I haven't!)  They are not interested in tv.  Occasionally, they'll see their big sister watching tv and they might watch for 2 minutes.  They don't like to share much, so they often fight over toys (or Mommy).  Not a big fan of going to bed.  They don't like Mommy or Daddy telling them not to do something--especially when Daddy says it.  Mommy must be a pushover. (haha)

Their Accomplishments:  This is difficult to document.  They are accomplishing things daily, so it feels like it.  Matilda was counting to 3 the other day and singing songs.  Sera was using her utensils correctly. They each have their own unique qualities.  While Matilda seems to be talking more and catches on quickly to words, Sera is confident and more readily to say "hi" to another baby/kid at the playground. They really balance each other with their own strengths.  It's an amazing thing to watch.

Words:  Matilda repeats almost anything we say now.  Whether she remembers it, I don't know.  She likes to say "hey" when you take things away from her.  She is starting to form phrases such as: all gone, see dog, shoes on.  Sera appears to be a little behind with her verbal communications, which doesn't surprise me, knowing our 7 year old was similar when she was young.

Teeth:  They both have 4 bottom teeth and 4 top teeth and 2 year molars (all 4) are coming through.  

Sleep:  Bedtime is between 7 and 7:30 pm.  They typically sleep 11.5/12 hours.  Sometimes, I'm not sure when they get up--they talk nicely to each other in the morning.  Eventually, I hear one of them calling "mommy."  Matilda typically gets up once at night (her diaper is soaked and needs to be changed).  Luckily, she usually goes back to sleep right away.  Nap time is usually around 11:30am (for about 1.5 to 2 hours).  They've been napping together pretty well lately.  

Looking forward to:  Their vocabulary expanding and actually understanding what they are saying.

DE Mom musings:  For some reason, I've been thinking lately--I wish we could meet our donor once. Know her name, know what she looks like. I don't have regrets about using an anonymous donor.  I think it's more curiosity.  

Time - All I Need is Time

As usual, I don't know how my days slip away so quickly.  I need to find time to blog, so I don't forget all these precious memories that are being created.  Seriously, I admire those who blog at least weekly, and I want to know how you do it! :)

The girls just turned 18 months on July 2nd and I need to write an update, but it won't happen today.  I've been busy cleaning house as they nap, and I'm starting to hear one of them stir.  Maybe tomorrow...maybe next week...when my oldest is at camp.

Time, please slow down.

Just a quick photo...can you see the love?  They melt my heart.

15 Month Update...A Little Late

Earlier this month, we had the girls 15 month check up.  Of course, with everything else in life, I've been playing catch up.  So, this is going to be a long post (just warning anyone who is reading!)  I'm writing this post for me since I can't seem to organize my thoughts/feelings and the girls' milestones anywhere else.

Weight/Height: Sera is 31 inches, 23 lbs 10 oz and Matilda is 32.5 inches, 23 lbs 12 oz.  They are so close in weight, but they definitely have a different build.  Sera is more petite and has more baby fat to her frame.  I love Sera's chunky thighs!  Matilda is tall (off the charts) and thin.

Eating:  One of many milestones achieved this month--NO MORE BOTTLES for the girls! The bedtime bottle was the biggest challenge, but we did it!  I say, WE, because it was difficult on me too.  I'm going to miss feeding the girls' their bottles, but those bottle feedings are now replaced with snuggles and hugs.  Their eating routine consists of breakfast, a snack, lunch, a snack and dinner.   

Foods They Like:  They love meat (turkey, beef, chicken, ham), fruits (especially strawberries, bananas, oranges, pears, peaches, & grapes), and carbs (wheat bread, blueberry waffles, cheerios are a staple!)  Cheese is a favorite too, which they eat a lot of lately.  Since the bottles are gone, I've been worried about their calcium intake.  They are not as thrilled about milk in their sippy cups, but I can usually get them to drink milk with one or two meals.  They prefer water with their meals.  They like vegetables, but it's not one of their favorite things to eat.  They like the fruit & veggies grain puffs and eggs too.  They like to eat what I'm eating (even when spicy) and I will let them try my foods...they are so curious with foods and so willing to try anything.

Foods They Don't:  They really are great eaters.  They eat better than my 7 year old!  I can't think of anything that they absolutely dislike eating.  (If they don't like something, it's probably something I don't like--I typically don't make foods that I dislike).  Sera does not really like juice, though...at least, not yet.

Favorite Things To Do:   They love to listen and dance to music. (Matilda dances on her toes--maybe a ballerina in the future?)  They like to play in their pottery barn chairs; they can now move them across the room and flip the chairs over. (thank goodness they are made of foam!)  They love to talk to each other in their cribs.  They like to hug and kiss their stuffed animals as well as us.  They are very affectionate towards us; it just melts my heart.  Lately, they seem to like car rides and like when I say, "let's go bye-bye's."

Dislikes:  They dislike being hungry and tired.  Matilda does not like her poopy diapers.  A first happened the other day: I heard her crying in her crib and when I checked on her, she had her sleeper  & DIAPER off (which was full of poop).  So happy she didn't make a mess with her poop!  Unfortunately, they do beat up on each other a bit.  Sera likes to pull Matilda's hair and Matilda likes to hit Sera, so who is ever getting the end of the deal is upset.  I hate seeing them pick on each other, but I hear from other twin moms that they experience similar experiences.  (On the positive end, I do see them hug each other too).

Their Accomplishments:  They are walking professionals! :)  In fact, they are starting to run.  They climb more than I'd like.  Matilda has an easier time climbing because she has the extra inch or two over Sera.  The climbing might be an accomplishment for them, but it sends me in panic mode when I see them standing on the very top of the couch looking out the window.  They have learned to get off the couch without just falling off.   They know how to turn on/off electronics and Matilda has managed to enter my password on my iphone and dial a number. Crazy, huh?!  I keep calling her the genius of the family.  They just started learning to climb the stairs (another scary milestone for this momma).  They are learning to use utensils, but I often find it less messy when they don't use them. The now wave their hands 'Hi' and 'Goodbye.'  They have changed so much in the past 3 months or so; it's so difficult to keep up with all their accomplishments.

Words:  Besides momma, dadda, hi, bye, hey, ouch, boo-boo, eyes, nose, diap (diaper), eat, eggs, cheese, "oh geez" ...and several words I can't quite make out yet.  They have their own vocabulary with each other.  They talk in their cribs in the morning and after their naps during the day. Matilda definitely talks more than Sera.

Teeth:  Sera has 4 bottom teeth and 3 top teeth.  Matilda has 2 bottom teeth and 4 top teeth.  

Sleep:  They are sleeping a little better now that we eliminated bottle feeding during the night.  Every now and then they would wake up, and we would give them a small bottle to get them to sleep. Our pediatrician suggested not doing this when they wake up or we'll be doing it for a long time. Instead, we just rub their backs (and usually pick them up for a minute or two) and put them down to sleep.  His suggestion seemed to work because we eliminated bottles at night and then they started to sleep through night again.  Matilda still wakes in the middle of night at least once, but she goes down after she's reassured that we are there for her.  Sera seems to be the better sleeper in general.  Occasionally, when Matilda actually sleeps through the night, Sera will get up once (go figure, Murphy's Law right?)  They are sleeping better though lately, so I can't complain. They usually wake around 7am, take a nap ~11am (nap about 1.5 hours), and down for the night ~7:30pm.  Sometimes, Sera will squeeze another late afternoon nap (~45min - 1 hr).  There are those days though where they don't take naps at the same time, which makes for a busy, exhausting day for me.

Looking forward to:  Seeing them interact more with each other and using more and more words.  I'm looking forward to BOTH of them sleeping consistently through the night.

DE Mom musings:  I'm just so grateful for our donor.  She helped us create these amazing little girls. 

Note (if you are still reading): This post took me ALL day long to write...between feeding and playing with the girls and painting a room in our home ...I never get a solid block of time to myself (5 minutes here or there). :)